Marigolds For Gin
by butterflyqvrs
Summary: Ichimaru has left Soul Society with Aizen. He left behind more than confusion and destruction in his wake. He left behind one lost fukutaichou... M for adult themes and bad language


Rengi paused outside the closed door of Hisagi Fukutaichou's quarters. He was still unsure if this was the best course of action to take. All he was sure about was he felt he couldn't do this by himself. With reaffirmed resolve, he rapped loudly on the door.

"Whoever, you are, go away!" Hisagi's irritated voice sounded easily through the door.

"I can't...Hisagi open the fucking door!" Damn it, why did people have to make everything so complicated?

"Abarai? I told you to go away!" The door rattled as something hit it from the other side. Renji leaned against the wall next to the door. If Hisagi didn't come out soon, he wouldn't have a door to throw shit at for much longer.

"Hisagi, you deaf?! I told you I can't leave...if I didn't need to talk to you I wouldn't be here." Maybe Hisagi heard the grimness of Renji's tone or he realized the red head wasn't going anywhere.

The door was slid open forcibly. Renji was faced with a scowling, shirtless, pissed-off brunet. "WHAT?!?"

Now that the door wasn't blocking his way, Renji slipped into the interior of the room. The red head started walking back and forth across the worn rug that covered the center of the floor. Hisagi slid the door closed with a snap of the wrist before turning a black glare at the red head.

"Oh, just make yourself at home," sarcasm dripped from every word the brunet spoke. Hisagi sauntered past Renji to throw himself back on the couch he had been laying on before some idiot started pounding on door.

"Don't you have somewhere else you should be Abarai-kun?" Gods, what would it take to get him to leave? This was his first day back in his quarters since...well, since.

"No, not really. They released Kachuki Taichou from Fourth yesterday," Rengi ran a hand over his hair. The red head cast a glance at Hisagi, lying on the couch, as he continued to pace. "I made sure he made it back to his manor. The staff assured me they were more than able to care for him." Actually the staff had been indignant that he had even questioned their ability to care for their lord.

Hisagi lost a lot of his anger when he heard Renji's words. Sometimes it was hard to remember that there were others affected as much if not more than he was. The tattooed brunet sighed; he ran a hand over his face.

Hisagi's voice was tired as he said, "I can be a real bastard sometimes." He sat up on the couch resting his elbows on his knees, giving Renji his full attention. "What brought you here?"

Renji was silent as he returned Hisagi intense stare. The red head's voice was unusually soft and laced with concerned as he spoke a single word, "Kira."

The brunet's face showed his confusion as he blinked at Renji. "Kira? If you're looking for him, he isn't here."

Renji shook his head almost impatiently. "I'm not looking for him...I am pretty sure I know exactly where to find him." He ran a hand over his crimson locks again. How to say what needed to be said?

"I, ah, think he could use a friend right now," Renji gave the brunet a pointed look.

"A friend? A Friend?! You come over here to tell me Kira needs a FRIEND?!" Hisagi threw a pillow from the couch at his fellow fukutaichou. His voice still rang with outrage as he continued. "I was interrogated by Soi-Fon Taichou herself this morning. THIS MORNING!" He glared at the red head, who showed no reaction to his reluctant host's tirade. "They finally, FINALLY, dismiss me to return home after DAYS of being held and questions and you tell me, Kira needs a friend." Hisagi shook his head in disgust at the other man's thick headedness. "Abarai-kun, right now we all need friends."

Renji stood in the middle of a worn rug and silently waited for the other man to let the bitterness out. "Hisagi...no one thinks you had anything to do with Tousen's betrayal. Kira isn't that lucky. They let him return to his division but the entire squad isn't allowed to leave their compound until the investigation is done."

Hisagi waved a hand in dismissal. "They will clear him soon enough. Kira is loyal to a fault but there is no way he would have aided that fox-faced bastard."

Renji regarded Hisagi, his expression so conflicted the brunet finally snapped, "What?"

"They were lovers." Renji's bald statement hung in the air like the tolling of a bell. Hisagi's mouth fell open as he stared at the red head.

After several minutes of the two men staring at each other, Hisagi dropped his head to look at the floor. His whispered, "Fuck..." was barely heard by Renji.

The red head walk over to join the brunet on the couch. Renji replied in the same tone of voice, "Exactly..."

Hisagi shot the man sitting next to him a glance."They serious?"

Renji grunted in reply. "You ever known Kira to be anything but serious?"

Hisagi shook his head as the ramifications ran through his head. "If the higher ups find out about this they will never think Kira had nothing to do with this."

"I know..." Renji's misery weighed each word down.

"Abarai-kun, why did you tell me?" Hisagi lifted his head to look at his friend. "You should either tell the Soutaichou or not tell anyone. Why did you come over here to tell me this of all things?"

"Because Kira needs a friend." Renji's tenacity with that little gem of a sentence really irked Hisagi.

"I am sure your right but what can I do about it? If I am seen visiting him it won't do either of us any good." The brunet was beginning to wonder if that last fight with Kuchuki Taichou had damaged Renji's already limited intellect.

Renji tried to will Hisagi into understanding; he didn't want to voice his concerns. Maybe if they remained unspoken, they might never happen. "Will you come with me to see him?"

Hisagi just shook his head in Renji's general direction. Apparently the red head had problems understanding.

"I can't go by myself. One of the last things, Ichimaru did was almost kill my taichou. You...your taichou left you too." Renji's voice trailed off at the glare the last reminder earned him from the brunet. Renji forged ahead tripping over every other word, "I-I don't think he should be alone right _now_."

Hisagi mouthed the last words obviously trying to fit them together with everything else to form a complete picture. Finally his eyes widened as he repeated the last word aloud," _Now_...you don't think he would..."

Renji just looked at him intently," This is Kira we are talking about. I-I would be a lot happier if someone who cared about him went to check up on him. Someone who doesn't blame him for everything because gods known he will be blaming himself."

Hisagi looked at Renji for only a moment before standing," Let me put a kodose on." He walked over to a chair grabbing his sleeveless uniform then shrugged into it. He hastily tied the white sash around his waist. Hisagi threw the red hair an impatient look before gesturing to the door. "You going to sit there all night?"

Renji grimaced over at the older man before levering himself off the couch, "Let's go." Renji stiffened his resolve for what was sure to be an ugly situation. If he was wrong about what they were going to find over at Third, then he and Hisagi would face an irritated, pissy blond... if he was right, and gods knows he didn't want to be right, then Kira would be in emotional free-fall. He didn't know how to deal with something like that, that was one of the reasons he was taking back-up. Maybe between the two of them, they could help their diminutive friend.

The two men walked side by side in silence, both of them familiar with the paths that led to Third Division. Hisagi cast Renji a searching look, "So Kira and Ichimaru, huh?"

Renji met the look before turning his gaze back to the dusty road he was walking on, "Yeah..."

"You sure? I haven't heard any rumors or anything." Hisagi sounded a little unsure. The brunet didn't know what disturbed him more; the idea of Kira with the silver haired man or the fact that he had no clue that Kira had been keeping that kind of secret.

"Very sure," Renji shot Hisagi a quick glance his cheeks turning pink, "I, uh, kinda saw them together."

Hisagi stopped dead in the street as he stared at Renji's back as the red head continued towards Third. "You _saw_ them?!?"

Renji turned back to glare at the brunet before giving the buildings on either side of them a speaking glance. "You wanna announce it to everyone, dumbass?!" Renji shook his head as Hisagi turned his head to see if anyone was paying the two of them any attention. Luckily the streets of Seireitei were still mostly deserted as the city tried to heal itself from the damage of the invasion and from treachery revealed.

Hisagi jogged the short distance to rejoin Renji at his side. "What do you mean, you _saw_ them?"

The red head gave the shorter man a disgusted look," What the fuck, Hisagi? What do you think it means? I saw that fox-faced bastard plowing Kira like he was..." Renji's voice trailed off as a vivid picture of the two men re-surfaced in his mind. Kira, blind folded and bound, clinging to the wiry silver man as if he would die without him.

The two men exchanged a look before both of them turned their eyes to the ground, as one they started walking again. Renji cleared his throat before making a hesitant confession," Since I saw them... Hisagi, I hope that one day I can care about anything as much as Kira cared about that man..."

Hisagi was silent as he thought about everything he had just heard. "So...it's like that is it?"

"Yeah...it's like that," Renji fell silent as his thoughts turned again to worry about they might find. Hisagi's soft spoken, "Fuck," was soon joined by a tired reply of "Exactly." What more was there to say?

Kira sat in the dark in the middle of his futon tailor style. The too long scarlet yakata hung overly loose about his lithe frame, the vibrant color of the robe a stark contrast to the blue of the comforter. The scarlet material still smelled of his taichou, the robe was as close as he was going to be able to get to comfort in the foreseeable future. Kira clutched the white fabric of a hoari to his chest like a child holding on to a beloved blanket. Across his knees, his zanpakutō rested in familiar repose.

While Kira had been held for interrogation, his jailers had kept his katana separate from him, now that he had been released to house arrest along with the rest of the division, they had returned his sword to him. He had missed his zanpakutō while incarcerated, during his waking hours he usually had Wabisuke by his side. In his initial confusion and grief after being informed that his taichou had betrayed all of Soul Society, he had felt the need for the familiar weight and reiatsu of his zanpakutō but been denied even that scant comfort.

_Izuru…_the dry, raspy whisper of Wabisuke filtered through Kira's non-thoughts. The slender blond had settled into this void where he didn't need to think about anything. If he started to think, he would start to feel and he couldn't do that. He didn't want to do that.

_Izuru_… Kira flinched as Wabisuke called his name again. "Please…don't call me that. I…I-I can't…just don't…not now." Kira's voice was a low whisper. He struggled to keep his hold on the void, not ready to leave its safety.

There was silence from the zanpakutō for a short time before Wabisuke called to him again, _Kira__…what has happened…the stars are falling…the heavens are weeping…_

A choked sob escaped the blond, he hugged the hoari tight to his chest starting to sway back and forth. With one sentence, Wabisuke fractured the false void that had buffered Kira from all that he had lost. "He's gone. Taichou is gone." Tears blinded the blond as reality rent him to pieces.

_The kitsune…_Wibisuke trailed off as he took in the ramifications. _Why…why would he leave…_

Why, why, whywhywhywhy, WHY?!? Of all the questions they had been asking him since Ichimaru had left, that was the question that kept racing through his mind. Finally in the privacy of his own rooms, Kira could answer they way he wanted to. He screamed, "I don't KNOW, WHY!" His voice broke as a sob strangled him. After a moment he continued in a low, lost whisper, "I don't know why he would betray everyone. I don't know why he would kill all those people. I don't know why he would help Aizen do what he did." He buried tear stained cheeks in the white cloth, "I don't know why he would leave me."

_He killed…he betrayed…we will grow stronger…we will find him_…Wabisuke's raspy whisper trilled in righteous anger,…_we will bring him to his knees…he will be made to apologize for his sins…he will pay_…

Kira lifted his head in growing horror at Wabisuke's rant, "NO! Oh Gods NO! I don't want that…never that!" The blond pushed the zanpakutō off his lap before edging away from the sheathed weapon. "I would never want to see him brought to his knees." The idea of his beautiful, silver taichou as a broken penitent made him sick. Ichimaru was meant to stand tall with a mocking smile curling those wicked lips. "If they capture him…t-they will kill him." Even knowing that his taichou had turned against Soul Society, the knowledge that Ichimaru was alive and free allowed Kira to breathe.

Round and round the darkness turned around him drawing him further into the depths. No more, Ichimaru sneaking up behind him at the office. No more, hot kisses between darting glances at un-locked doors. No more, taichou whispering impossible questions to him as he moaned under him. No more, no more, no more anything… "No more for your greedy lil 'Zuru, huh taichou?"

Kira rocked back and forth on the bed, so lost inside he couldn't even hear Wabisuke anymore. His voice was almost unrecognizable as his own as his pain ripped at him, "Taichou…Gin…you win...you win." Kira took a shaky breath before shouting one word," MARIGOLD!" The blond's shoulders shook in despair, "Marigold, Gin. You promised." Kira took a shaky breathe before continuing. "You said if ever I needed you to stop, if the pain ever became too much for me to bear, all I needed to do was say one word, Marigold, and you would stop. Taichou, Marigold…please…please make it stop, I can't do this. This is one game I can't play…you promised…it hurts…please gin…i need this to stop…you win…no more please."

Renji and Hisagi walked through the quiet division. The two fukutaichous had received hard looks from the posted guards but had not been questioned on entering. After they had past out of hearing range of the guards, the brunet turned to Renji, "Where do you think we will find him?"

Hisagi had to re-frame from rubbing his arm to ward off the goosebumps racing across his skin. The atmosphere in Third was more bleak and heavy then even Ninth's was at the moment. His division was sub-duded but nothing like this dense despair that seemed to be drowning the usually caustic Third.

The red head scrubbed a hand over his hair as he stopped at a cross-road. "I figure he will either be in his quarters or he might be over at Ichimaru's" The two men shared an uneasy look at the mention of Ichimaru's private rooms, neither of them wanted to go exploring there. Renji started towards the row of buildings that housed Kira's quarters.

"Why don't you see if you can sense his reiatsu?" Renji asked his former instructor.

"Your better at that stuff than I am."

Hisagi sighed at the red head's ineptness. "Yah know when Kuchiki taichou is up and about you should ask him to help with your problems with kido." Renji shot him a look that promised payback later for the remark.

The brunet was usually sensitive to others reiatsu, his abilities were more fine tuned than most from the specialized training he had received from Tousen, but over the last couple of days the oppressiveness of late had become too much, so he had suppressed the ability. Hisagi shifted his attention inward, then shifted his perception _out_.

The brunet almost crumbled to his knees as his senses were swamped by such hopelessness that it border on madness. "Oh fuck, Abarai. This is bad…" Hisagi didn't know if he and Renji were going to be able to help Kira after all, he didn't know if the blond could be helped by anyone. He had never felt anything like this. When Renji had talked him into coming, Hisagi had thought the younger man had over-stated how undone Kira might possibly from Ichimaru's betrayal. He sincerely wished that Renji had been right. He had no idea what either of them could do against this over whelming desolation.

The brunet waved toward Kira's quarters. "He is over there…Abarai, you were right. About everything." Renji just nodded and gritted his teeth. How dare Ichimaru do this to Kira. How dare he do any of it, Rukia, Kuchiki taichou, all of it and more. Anger flared through him, he clenched his hand around Zabimaru. If he ever had a chance to settle the score for all the damage that sneaky bastard had done…

The two fukutaichou walk the short distance to Kira's quarters with grim resolution. Too soon they were standing outside the door that hid the source of the despair that was blanketing the entire area. Renji hesitated at the door, unsure of how to proceed now that they were here. Hisagi raised an eyebrow at him before looking expectantly at the door.

"We going to do this or just stare at it all night and hope Kira comes out for a stroll?" the brunet questioned his friend.

Renji cast a scowl over at the Hisagi, then rapped briskly on the wood. "Kira…Kira, it's Abarai and Hisagi." There wasn't any sound coming from inside, no response to indicate that the blond had heard them. Rengi looked over at the brunet again, giving him a questioning look.

Hisagi gave the red head an exasperated look before pounding on the door, "Hey Kira! Answer the door!" Renji covered his face with his hand. The brunet scowled in response, "What?! Its OK for you to do it but not me?"

The tall red head just rolled his eyes before growling, "You can be such a dumbass you know that?" He glared at the door before trying to open it, the door opened silently. Renji exchanged a glance with Hisagi before easing into the room. The main living living area was much like Kira, small, tidy and every little thing in its place. Rengi gave the room a cursory glance; he was unsurprised when he found the room empty. This wasn't where he had expected to find the blond anyway.

Renji walked slowly through the room until he reached the opened door of the bedroom. The room was dark except for the last dieing rays of the sun that filtered through the window, leaving ruddy patches of light on the floor. The bedroom contained a small dresser, a large futon that dominated the room, and a blond moaning softly into a taichou's hoari.

"Oh, Kira…what did he do to you?" Hisagi took a hesitant step towards the blond huddled on the bed before stopping. Renji walked past him, then with only a moments hesitation, knelt on the bed beside Kira.

Renji put a large hand on Kira's back, trying to draw his attention. "Kira-kun? Kira, it's Abarai and Hisagi…" The red head looked over his shoulder to the brunet, more than a little unsure of himself. Hollows, he knew how to deal with, but this?

The blond stilled under the weight on his back, the hand was too big, too warm, to be who he wanted it to be. His wiry arms clenched the robe closer to his chest, protecting it. His voice was muffled by the cloth, "Leave me alone…just please, leave me alone…"

Hisagi quietly walked over to the futon then sat on the edge. He gave the zanpakutō, that was laying precariously half off the bed, a strange look. Kira was like most shinigami, very particular about the care of his katana. The brunet picked the sword up with careful respect before laying it on the dresser.

"We can't leave you alone," Hisagi reached for the blond with none of the self consiousness of Renji; he pulled the crying man on to his lap. "We are your friends and friends don't let the people they care about mourn alone."

The brunet looked up to meet Renji's gaze, looking for support. The red head spoke in hushed tones, "We want to be here for you…you would be here for either of us."

Kira gave an ugly laugh, so different from his usually light hearted snicker, "Neither of you would be in this situation, neither of you would be this _stupid_." The small blond struggled to pull free from Hisagi's arms. "I don't deserve to have anyone here…all I do is disappoint or hurt those who get close to me…"

The dark haired shinigami tightened his arms around Kira until the fight went out of him. The older man spoke softly, "You aren't stupid. You weren't the only one deceived. I was as shocked as you were when Tousen turned against Soul Society. There was no way you could have known he would—"

Hisagi has interupted by the man in his arms, "I wasn't surprised." The brunet went still at the confession. Renji looked at the blond's back in alarm. The red head really didn't want to have to turn one of his oldest friend's over to Second for being a traitor. Kira continued in flat tones," He wasn't lazy, you know." Renji and Hisagi exchanged a nervous glance wondering if the time had come to call for a healer. "Taichou wasn't lazy; he was brilliant, and he hated to be bored."

Renji clenched his jaw listening to his friend defend the heartless bastard. Hisagi shook his head at the red head; he started to gently rock the blond is his arms. Kira fell silent for a while before taking several shaky breathes. "He hated the monotony of paperwork, the endless repetion of the meetings and all the day to day tediousness of being a taichou. I wasn't surprised to hear he left this all behind him."

Kira trembled against the brunet holding him. The arms around him were too heavily muscled, the skin to warm and the grip was not as tight as it should be. Tears flooded his eyes, a sob wracked his lithe frame as he gasped out, "I just don't understand how he could leave _me_."

"Why am I never good enough?" Kira clutched at Hisagi before lifting red rimmed eyes to implore Renji for an answer, "Why am I never strong enough? Why am I never smart enough? Why am I just never…_enough_?" The red head's heart ached at the lost look in his friend's eyes.

"Kira you need to think about your division…they need you." Renji tried to offer something, anything, to draw the blond from the morass of self doubt he was sliding into. Kira's usually somber expression twisted into one of scorn. "They don't even _like_ me. They barely respect me on the field and off the field…"

He had never been able to really relate to the men of Third. He didn't appreciate their cutting humor or their sly jokes. The constant sniping and caustic manner that was one of the trademarks of Third had worn him raw. Ichimaru had loved it. He had found an appreciative audience for his many jest and people who respected just how under handed and viscous he could be. Third had liked their taichou…Kira had loved him and that was more than enough of a reason to stay. Apparently Ichimaru hadn't felt the same.

Kira pushed at the arms holding him, "You should go…both of you." The blond set his jaw with resolve. "Both of you have duties to take care of in the morning." Kira raised watery blue eyes to look at Hisagi, shame darkening his cheeks before turning to stare at the comforter. "Hisagi-kun, your division needs you. They will be looking for you for direction, especially now. Abarai-kun, Kuchuki taichou will expect everything to be running perfectly when he returns to work. You should go…both of you." Kira pulled free of the brunet's arms to move between the two men.

"I will be fine…I just need time…please leave…I would really like to be alone." Kira stared at his lap, his fingers stroking the white cloth in his arms. Renji looked over at Hisagi, who shrugged, as out of his depth as the red head was.

The brunet put a hand on the blond's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. Kira shrank from the touch…everything was just felt out sync, nothing felt right. He really wanted his two uninvited visitors to go.

Renji stood, uncertain of what he should do. He ran a hand over his crimson locks before speaking, "If you need me…or just someone to talk to…you know where to find me."

"Thank you Abarai-kun...," Kira's voice was little more than a whisper. "If I need either of you, I know where to find both of you. Now please, just go…" The blond felt exhaustion weighing him down. He wanted this gods awful day to finally be over. He wanted to sleep forever.

Hisagi slid off the bed and gave the blond a searching glance. Kira did seem calmer than when they had first arrived. They had managed to get him to talk a little about Ichimaru. Maybe it was time to leave after all. The brunet made a mental note to be sure to call on the younger man the next day.

"If you're sure?" Hisagi asked before looking over at Renji. The red head made this shrugging gesture before walking to the door.

"I'm sure…I think I would like to go to sleep now. It's been a really long day." Kira still refused to look at either man as they left the room. He curled up on top of the comforter, covering himself with the white hoari.

Renji and Hisagi exited their fellow fukutaichou's quarters in silence, each man lost in their own thoughts. Renji walked over to a wall and punched it, bits of plaster crumbled to the street. Renji clenched his jaw, so angry at the fact he couldn't _do_anything to make this better. Hisagi completely understood the sentiment. The red head snarled one word, putting all the anger at the whole situation into one syllable, "_FUCK_!"

Hisagi agreed, "Exactly."

Kira laid in bed breathing in the fading scent of his taichou trying to fall into sleep when he heard the raspy whisper of Wabisuke …_Kira… the kitsune…he will never find a mate to equal you_…Kira was silent for a moment before whispering back, "And neither will I."

The blond closed his aching eyes and with in moments sleep claimed. As darkness swamped his senses he felt familiar lithe arms wrap around in all their cool splendor. The arms hugged his just a little too tight and Kira melted into the slightly ungentle embrace. His lips moved in his sleep, "I missed you Gin…"


End file.
